Recently I started schema therapy with my psychologist. It's more then a little terrifying how quickly it's shaken up my life. Reading the information after our assessment session was the most devastating roast of my life. We've barely scratched the surface by starting to recognise schea modes in my everyday life, and given how colossal the commotion has been already I want somewhere to talk about it.
That's part of the therapy, as it happens. One of my biggest problems is withdrawing from people. I've become more and more withdrawn as I've gotten older and more terrible things have happened to me, reconfirming the schema that I'm not worth protecting and everyone I interact with will eventually inflict some devastating injury and I will need to be even more withdrawn, even more quiet, even more invisible to make it through the aftershock.
I see people talking about their mutuals and online friends and I wish I felt capable of doing that again. Making friends, I mean. I'm not sure if it's me, that's I'm a magnet for the worst kind of people, or if people in general are just more inclined to violence and sexual abuse in general, but I'm tired of trying to make friends and learning the hard way what they're capable of. I don't know if writing a blog about the slings and arrows of my own outrageous fortune will help at all, but I'd like to practice putting myself out there, at least a little bit. I hope it can lead to more actual conversations with some of the lovely people I've met on Neocities and beyond too.
I want to join forums and stuff, but I hate having to pick a username. I don't like names because sooner or later they feel wrong somehow, like I've outgrown them or they don't fit properly. At first a new name, username or otherwise, sounds wonderful, like a fresh start, but they always start feeling stale and making me feel queasy. Recently I've realised it's not that I outgrow them, but more that I associate them with myself. At first a new name, username or otherwise, sounds wonderful, like a fresh start, but they always start feeling stale and making me feel queasy. I guess it's just because it has too much me-stank on it and I don't want it anymore. The whole point of this therapy is to hate myself less so I hope that my life-long identity crisis finally finds enough of a resolution for me to be able to participate in forums and stuff again.
A friend text me a while ago calling me "invisible boy." I was cleaning out emails and found some old ones between a high school friend and I where I complained about feeling invvisible. I talk to my psych about my dreams where I'm a secret agent or a master theif, someone both invisible and powerful. I have a Monster High Invisibilly doll that I bought a few years ago intending to use as a base for a new doll, but I grew attached to him the way he is. Maybe it doesn't bode well to call myself something related to what I /don't/ want to be, but it feels right for now. I'm not making any commitments yet, we shall see how I feel about it in a week.